High Times On Bailey Drive

My Dirty Sobriety

Author: Scott Drozda

  • 10 Years of Sobriety

    10 Years of Sobriety

    Through the Grace of God, a divinely inspired path of life and a community of people whose primary purpose is to improve the lives of themselves and others, the changes over the last decade have been immense and life altering.

    I evolved:

    From a deeply selfish person to one who aims to be of service to others through leadership, mentorship and living amends.

    From being a liability to my family, friends and community to an asset in the world.

    From a person who could not run for longer than 60 seconds to an ultramarathoner.

    From someone who had not found a path in life to a person who discovered many paths of purpose and fulfillment.

    From being 50 pounds overweight and unhealthy in mind, body and spirit to a human being that is healing mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

    From suppressing my emotions and numbing myself to feeling everything, processing past and present emotions and becoming fully present in the moment.

    From a person full of harsh judgement and resentments to someone who tries to give as much grace as has been given me.

    From someone who was existentially lost to someone spiritually found

    And to think….This life was so close to never happening.

    Always thankful. Always grateful.

    Live that life. Love that life.

    ✌🏼❤️

  • A Vision For You – Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

    A Vision For You – Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

    “There was always one more attempt and one more failure.”

    I tried to quit drinking thousands times and hundreds of different ways. This is not an embellishment. 25 years of daily drinking and using adds up. There were many mornings filled with regret, shame and the empty promise that I would not drink tonight. That promise usually was made during my morning shower and broken by the afternoon. So soul crushing.

    I read many self help books. I started (but never finished) many exercise programs. The only thing that kept me sober for more than a week between the ages of 13 and 37 was a jail cell. At least until I found the program of alcoholics anonymous.

    “The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead”

    This has become true for me. I lost almost everything in sobriety. The first 3 years were just brutal, as I was trying to learn how to live without drugs and alcohol. I was finally growing emotionally after being stuck at 13 years old emotionally for 25 years. I lost my marriage, almost all of my friends, my business and ended up with over $100,000 worth of debt.

    8 years later, I’m in a very healthy relationship, a beautiful daughter, healthy relationships with my children and family, a new successful business and best of all – Serenity.

    I help others. I am no longer a liability to my friends, family and community. I am an asset.

  • Step 10 – 12 Steps and 12 Traditions

    AA 12 and 12

    “Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.”

    Promptly admitting we were wrong. Such a great life lesson and practice that I’ve undertaken over the last 8 years. When I was drinking and using, I never meant “I’m sorry”. I never learned how to apologize until working the 12 steps.

    I’d make plenty of empty apologies, but those were expressed just to get someone off my ass while I continued my bad behavior.

    Now, when I’m wrong or exhibit bad behavior I have the self awareness to apologize and correct my actions immediately. This has saved me a bunch of heartaches and headaches.

    “For the wise have always known that no one can make much of his life until self-searching becomes a regular habit…”

    When I was out drinking, self-searching wasn’t even on my radar. I just wanted to numb myself into oblivion most nights.

    In sobriety, I no longer have that option. In order to maintain some sort of emotional balance I NEED to do a depth of self-searching activities. These include other 12 step programs.

    My wife pokes fun at me for needing 3 hours of self care each morning before work. My routine consists of breath work, meditation, yoga, running, weightlifting and a cold shower. Even with all these activities, my mind can still be a scary place to live at times.

    I like to say that AA did not solve all my problems, but it opened up the doors to things that did.

    At 5 years sober, I hit an emotional bottom. I was sharing about this experience at a meeting and a beautiful soul pulled me aside and told me I should look into the program of Adult Children of Alcoholics. That program saved my relationship and has kept me emotional sober. Absolutely life changing. I’ll dive into that experience at another time.

    I’ve also successfully used therapy in conjunction with 12 step.

    “It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also.”

    This one is deep…and usually true. If we are in balance spiritually, physically, emotionally and mentally, another person’s words or actions should not be able to negatively affect us.

    I agree it’s difficult to alway maintain that kind of balance, but it is possible.

    There are always exceptions: Dealing with narcissists and the failure to create and maintain healthy boundaries to name a few.

    Otherwise, it’s always a useful exercise to ask “why” when another person upsets us.

  • Time

    I recently spent a day with all of my children. I cherish these moments and try not to take them for granted. My youngest is about to turn 2, and I’ve been sober for each minute of her life. I took the day off and went to our local children’s museum. My inner child delighted in watching her play. I was present and clear-headed, soaking up every minute.

    I have two older boys. I got sober when they were 8 and 4. During their younger days, my quality time with them was clouded by hangovers, numbness, and fog.

    I did the best I could with the tools I had at the time. Although, I was involved, I was often grumpy and not fully present. Fortunately, aside from the divorce, I didn’t cause them much trauma. I guess the jury is still out on that one though.

    I’m grateful that sobriety helped me to end the generational cycle of abuse and trauma that plagued my family for the last few centuries. ACA has been helpful in this regard too. I still attend one ACA meeting per week along with 2-3 AA meetings.

    Every day my phone reminds me how precious time is. When photos of my kids from their younger years pop up, I feel a deep sadness knowing I can never get those days back.

    That’s why I enjoyed yesterday so much. I was present and fully aware that my daughter would never be that age again. When I’m present, I’m suspended in time—caught in the moment. Cherishing each breath with her. Studying her actions and reactions. Wondering what she’s thinking.

    Time. The invaluable resource. Don’t waste it. Sobriety has taught me not to.

  • Disappointment in our Children

    My oldest son totaled a car a few days ago. He’s had his license less than 2 weeks.

    Disappointed. Depressed. Frustrated.

    These feelings came up for both of us. There was no need to rip into him and make him feel worse. Like me, he’s his own harshest critic.

    I was the first person he called after the accident. If I was still drowning my problems in alcohol and drugs, would that have been the case? Doubtful.

    That being said, it’s been a rough few days. His $3,000 ride is now worth next to nothing. The car was in really good condition. My Grandmother gave it to him since she is becoming a danger to others and herself on the roadways. Although 14 years old, the car was in perfect “grandma-care” condition. She’s being graceful and like all of us, just cares that he escaped without injury to himself or others.

    Yes, I have gratitude that he’s okay and that no one was hurt. Disappointment still persists. I was reminded by a few sober mentors that I wasn’t exactly a valedictorian when I was my son’s age. Hell, I don’t know how my father even put up with me.

    Arrested multiple times before I was 18, selling drugs out of my bedroom window, throwing parties on school nights and just plain raising hell. A rebel without a cause. By the Grace of God, we all survived. I’m able to make amends to those still living. For those that have passed, I live my life to honor them. I was blessed with a second chance. Many never took advantage of second chances.

    I wonder if my disappointment toward my son is really just me projecting my disappointment toward my younger self. I sometimes romanticize that I would have been an Ivy League graduate had I not found alcohol and drugs. So yes, there’s disappointment to a life I never chose to live.

    Maybe, there’s a lesson to be learned there.

    Love Life.

  • Needed this today

    I always entertain great hopes.

    —Robert Frost

    In our honest journey, we must admit life is often difficult and painful. But these facts do not describe all of life, and they do not determine how we respond. The sun rises warm and bright after a cold and dark night. The open, generous smile of a small child reaches into the soft part of us all. To be strong and hardy men on this spiritual path, we must be truthful about the pain and unfairness in life while holding firmly to a belief in all the generous possibilities.

    Surrendering to despair, we trade the uncertainty of options for the certainty of gloom. Then we might say, “At least I’m never disappointed this way.” Life isn’t filled only with difficulty and pain. It is also filled with people whose dignity and spirit rise above their circumstances. There are situations when great sacrifice or love and wisdom turn a problem into an opportunity and strength. If we look at what has happened in our own lives and in those of others, we have ample reason to hope.

    My own experience in recovery gives me great hope in what can be.