Author: Scott Drozda

  • Mourning Our Children’s Childhoods – The Teenage Years

    I have two teenage boys. My oldest is maturing and finally coming out of the worst it. My middle child is just now entering it. He’s in middle school – middle school simply sucks. And his attitude reflects this.

    I think the worst part is coming to the realization that once your kids enter the teenage years, they’ll never be children again. It’s a dramatic gut punch.

    My favorite years that hold the most cherished memories are when they were 18 months through 11 years old. Its the period of so much growth and they still believe their parents can do no wrong.

    It’s sad and difficult once the attitude starts appearing and they begin disappearing into their rooms for more and more of each evening. I get it. They need the solitude to learn who they are and to decompress from their increasingly complex days at school.

    I still make it a priority to spend quality time with each child every day. We only have today and I will always strive to make the best of it.

    I also work the ACA program ( Adult Children of Alcoholics), so I’ve dug deep into my own inner child work. And maybe I’ve been mourning my own childhood moreso than my own children’s childhoods.

    Regardless, I’ll never experience childhood again. Mine was difficult and confusing. I know my divorce was hard on my oldest who was 8 at the time. I’ve grown into the Dad I’ve always wanted to become, but a broken home is a tragic.

    There’s always a cost to growth. My growth as definitely costly, but worth it.

    Maybe, someday, my kids will understand.

    Seize the day. Nothing is promised.

    “Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.”
    ― Rumi

  • Control

    Realizing how much is actually in my control can be both difficult and relieving. One of the hardest things about my divorce has been discipling my children while the place they live for the other 50% of the time has a very different outlook on raising children. My ex and I tried to get on the same page for years. We’re just two very different people. That was once not the case. Sobriety and life changes everyone. It can be hard.

    My middle child has historically been a very good student. His grades started to dip last year (his first year in middle school) and they have been getting worse. At 13, he’s one of the last in his class to have a phone. I told him that if he received straight A’s for two quarters, I’d get him a phone. He’s been struggling a bit since that time and I just learned that his mom bought him a phone this week. Sigh.

    I have come to believe that everyone is doing the best they can with the tools they have at the time.

    I can’t control my son getting straight A’s. I cannot control what happens under my ex’s roof.

    I can however, create an environment at my house that encourages learning and rewards progress. I can control my actions and attitude.

    I can control if I pick up a drink or not. There was a time I didn’t have that choice. I was a slave to my addictions. Work the 12 steps deconstructed an unhealthy ego and rebuilt a healthy one. For that, I am grateful.

    My kids have turned out to be wonderful human beings, despite what I thought the divorce might do to them. For that, I am grateful.

    I’ll keep trudging the road of happy destiny, controlling what I know I can control.

    “Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.”
    ― Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man

  • Book Recommendation:  “We” by Robert Johnson

    Book Recommendation: “We” by Robert Johnson

    Just finished up Robert Jordan’s book on the psychology of romantic love, “We“. I’ve been hit with a nasty flu bug that’s been around. Not fun, but I had a chance to catch up on some reading.

    If you’ve ever been in love, currently in love, addicted to love or searching for love, I couldn’t recommend this enough.

    The author writes about the psychology behind a mythological story centered around the fate of two lovers, Tristan and Iseult.

    Johnson connects the myth’s symbolism in relation to our Western culture’s obsession with romantic love. And how our understanding of romantic love in the West is not sustainable for healthy human relationships.

    Instead, Johnson recommends looking upon the simplicity of romantic relationships with love that is built upon commitment and loyalty rather than the addictive qualities of falling in love. This type of perspective on relationships is sustainable.

    A self-proclaimed Jungian, Johnson has written two other companion books to “We“. Aptly titled “He” and “She“. I’ve read all three and they’re all worth a read. “We” was my favorite though.

    Have any good book recommendations? Contact me or leave a comment below.

  • Gone Too Soon

    Gone Too Soon

    One of my friends I grew up with was reported missing a few days ago. They found his body on the side of a street Christmas Eve. He was 40 years old. Gone too soon.

    My friend was a good poet. We first met at a treatment center when we were teenagers. He was smart and creative, but also a troubled soul.

    I received this message from him in April of last year:

    “Hey just wanted to say thank you for never giving up on me brother. I truly appreciate it.  Been sober since Dec and doing really good.  Working, have an amazing woman, life is good. Thank you for seeing in me what I couldn’t. Love you for everything.”

    His death is only the most recent of many people I’ve lost in my life. Just about all of my friends and family members that passed before me struggled with alcohol and drug addiction. My mother, my best childhood friend, the first woman I loved and many other close friends passed from this life way too early. All of them were gifted in one way or another.

    It’s terribly unfortunate. I sometimes can’t make much sense of it. I experience survivor’s guilt. Waves of grief and sadness flow through me.

    But there’s also gratitude and hope. Yes, it’s true drug and alcohol addiction affects countless other people than just the person addicted. The alcoholic or addict creates a space of selfishness, drama, trauma and ugly situations in his wake.

    Luckily, I also get to witness the ripple effects of a person in recovery. An alcoholic or addict’s life can change. Once they change, it creates positive effects on her family, friends, loved ones and community. Kid’s lives are forever transformed for the better. Love is communicated. Hope is given. Forgiveness granted.

    For any of those struggling, there’s always hope. A better way to live exists.

    “When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.”

    – Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
  • The Beginning of Love

    The Beginning of Love

    “The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them”

    ― Thomas Merton, No Man Is an Island

    The beginning of love is such a powerful experience. The feelings and thoughts that usually occur during this time can be life-altering. I’m grateful to have experienced it a few times in my life. I learned many lessons from each experience. I took those lessons into the next relationship and cultivated a deeper and truer love each time. I have much more love to give if there’s another chapter in my romantic life. My love is more agape and unattached than at previous times in my life. Time will tell if and when I get to share this through romantic channels. For now, I’m content sharing it with my family and friends.

  • The Awakening, Part 2

    The Awakening, Part 2

    You can find The Awakening, Part 1 here.

    Drinking while trying to save a marriage is not a good idea. Especially when the marriage is in trouble directly because of alcohol. Yet, that’s where I found myself during the month of April 2016.

    I entered therapy because I knew something was wrong with me. I didn’t believe it was my drinking though. Maybe it had to do with processing my Mother’s unexpected death. She took her own life almost a decade prior, after battling decades of mental illness.

    I also knew I couldn’t stop drinking. My therapist had suggested I begin improving my life by quitting drinking. I was stubborn and thought there had to be another way.

    I continued to drink heavily a few times per week. It was during one of these hardcore drinking sessions that I received a phone call informing me that Neely had overdosed on heroin.

    Neely was my first serious girlfriend and the first girl I loved. My best childhood friend had died a few years prior by overdose too. I was shocked. What the hell was happening in my life. If I continued down this road of drinking my problems away, would I end up dead soon, too?

    I woke up the next morning feeling like death. I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. A voice, or rather, a strong thought entered my mind. “You really screwed things up this time. You should commit suicide just like your mother.”

    I knew then, that if I continued drinking my pain away and suppressing long pent up feelings, I would end up dead. I was ready to find a new way of life.

    Out of options, I took my therapist’s advice and entered a recovery program. It was there that I began to heal. In fact, I’m still healing, almost 4 years later.

    In my program, I met people who believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. Others entered my life and loved me when I didn’t love myself. This type of community is powerful. They showed me how to live life sober. Showed me how to be happy and love others. Maybe most important, they showed me how to live a life of service.

    One of my favorite quotes is from Joseph Campbell, “The cave that we fear to enter, contains the treasure that we seek.” The obstacle is indeed the path. There’s just no way around our pain. We must process our pain in order to grow. And once we grow, we’re able to help others do the same.

    It has turned out to be such a beautiful life. One that was very close to never happening.