High Times On Bailey Drive

My Dirty Sobriety

Tag: Grief

  • Gone Too Soon

    Gone Too Soon

    One of my friends I grew up with was reported missing a few days ago. They found his body on the side of a street Christmas Eve. He was 40 years old. Gone too soon.

    My friend was a good poet. We first met at a treatment center when we were teenagers. He was smart and creative, but also a troubled soul.

    I received this message from him in April of last year:

    “Hey just wanted to say thank you for never giving up on me brother. I truly appreciate it.  Been sober since Dec and doing really good.  Working, have an amazing woman, life is good. Thank you for seeing in me what I couldn’t. Love you for everything.”

    His death is only the most recent of many people I’ve lost in my life. Just about all of my friends and family members that passed before me struggled with alcohol and drug addiction. My mother, my best childhood friend, the first woman I loved and many other close friends passed from this life way too early. All of them were gifted in one way or another.

    It’s terribly unfortunate. I sometimes can’t make much sense of it. I experience survivor’s guilt. Waves of grief and sadness flow through me.

    But there’s also gratitude and hope. Yes, it’s true drug and alcohol addiction affects countless other people than just the person addicted. The alcoholic or addict creates a space of selfishness, drama, trauma and ugly situations in his wake.

    Luckily, I also get to witness the ripple effects of a person in recovery. An alcoholic or addict’s life can change. Once they change, it creates positive effects on her family, friends, loved ones and community. Kid’s lives are forever transformed for the better. Love is communicated. Hope is given. Forgiveness granted.

    For any of those struggling, there’s always hope. A better way to live exists.

    “When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.”

    – Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
  • The Awakening, Part 2

    The Awakening, Part 2

    You can find The Awakening, Part 1 here.

    Drinking while trying to save a marriage is not a good idea. Especially when the marriage is in trouble directly because of alcohol. Yet, that’s where I found myself during the month of April 2016.

    I entered therapy because I knew something was wrong with me. I didn’t believe it was my drinking though. Maybe it had to do with processing my Mother’s unexpected death. She took her own life almost a decade prior, after battling decades of mental illness.

    I also knew I couldn’t stop drinking. My therapist had suggested I begin improving my life by quitting drinking. I was stubborn and thought there had to be another way.

    I continued to drink heavily a few times per week. It was during one of these hardcore drinking sessions that I received a phone call informing me that Neely had overdosed on heroin.

    Neely was my first serious girlfriend and the first girl I loved. My best childhood friend had died a few years prior by overdose too. I was shocked. What the hell was happening in my life. If I continued down this road of drinking my problems away, would I end up dead soon, too?

    I woke up the next morning feeling like death. I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. A voice, or rather, a strong thought entered my mind. “You really screwed things up this time. You should commit suicide just like your mother.”

    I knew then, that if I continued drinking my pain away and suppressing long pent up feelings, I would end up dead. I was ready to find a new way of life.

    Out of options, I took my therapist’s advice and entered a recovery program. It was there that I began to heal. In fact, I’m still healing, almost 4 years later.

    In my program, I met people who believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. Others entered my life and loved me when I didn’t love myself. This type of community is powerful. They showed me how to live life sober. Showed me how to be happy and love others. Maybe most important, they showed me how to live a life of service.

    One of my favorite quotes is from Joseph Campbell, “The cave that we fear to enter, contains the treasure that we seek.” The obstacle is indeed the path. There’s just no way around our pain. We must process our pain in order to grow. And once we grow, we’re able to help others do the same.

    It has turned out to be such a beautiful life. One that was very close to never happening.