Author: DJDW

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A Vision For You – Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

“There was always one more attempt and one more failure.”

I tried to quit drinking thousands times and hundreds of different ways. This is not an embellishment. 25 years of daily drinking and using adds up. There were many mornings filled with regret, shame and the empty promise that I would not drink tonight. That promise usually was made during my morning shower and broken by the afternoon. So soul crushing.

I read many self help books. I started (but never finished) many exercise programs. The only thing that kept me sober for more than a week between the ages of 13 and 37 was a jail cell. At least until I found the program of alcoholics anonymous.

“The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead”

This has become true for me. I lost almost everything in sobriety. The first 3 years were just brutal, as I was trying to learn how to live without drugs and alcohol. I was finally growing emotionally after being stuck at 13 years old emotionally for 25 years. I lost my marriage, almost all of my friends, my business and ended up with over $100,000 worth of debt.

8 years later, I’m in a very healthy relationship, a beautiful daughter, healthy relationships with my children and family, a new successful business and best of all – Serenity.

I help others. I am no longer a liability to my friends, family and community. I am an asset.

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Step 10 – 12 Steps and 12 Traditions

AA 12 and 12

“Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.”

Promptly admitting we were wrong. Such a great life lesson and practice that I’ve undertaken over the last 8 years. When I was drinking and using, I never meant “I’m sorry”. I never learned how to apologize until working the 12 steps.

I’d make plenty of empty apologies, but those were expressed just to get someone off my ass while I continued my bad behavior.

Now, when I’m wrong or exhibit bad behavior I have the self awareness to apologize and correct my actions immediately. This has saved me a bunch of heartaches and headaches.

“For the wise have always known that no one can make much of his life until self-searching becomes a regular habit…”

When I was out drinking, self-searching wasn’t even on my radar. I just wanted to numb myself into oblivion most nights.

In sobriety, I no longer have that option. In order to maintain some sort of emotional balance I NEED to do a depth of self-searching activities. These include other 12 step programs.

My wife pokes fun at me for needing 3 hours of self care each morning before work. My routine consists of breath work, meditation, yoga, running, weightlifting and a cold shower. Even with all these activities, my mind can still be a scary place to live at times.

I like to say that AA did not solve all my problems, but it opened up the doors to things that did.

At 5 years sober, I hit an emotional bottom. I was sharing about this experience at a meeting and a beautiful soul pulled me aside and told me I should look into the program of Adult Children of Alcoholics. That program saved my relationship and has kept me emotional sober. Absolutely life changing. I’ll dive into that experience at another time.

I’ve also successfully used therapy in conjunction with 12 step.

“It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also.”

This one is deep…and usually true. If we are in balance spiritually, physically, emotionally and mentally, another person’s words or actions should not be able to negatively affect us.

I agree it’s difficult to alway maintain that kind of balance, but it is possible.

There are always exceptions: Dealing with narcissists and the failure to create and maintain healthy boundaries to name a few.

Otherwise, it’s always a useful exercise to ask “why” when another person upsets us.

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Time

I recently spent a day with all of my children. I cherish these moments and try not to take them for granted. My youngest is about to turn 2, and I’ve been sober for each minute of her life. I took the day off and went to our local children’s museum. My inner child delighted in watching her play. I was present and clear-headed, soaking up every minute.

I have two older boys. I got sober when they were 8 and 4. During their younger days, my quality time with them was clouded by hangovers, numbness, and fog.

I did the best I could with the tools I had at the time. Although, I was involved, I was often grumpy and not fully present. Fortunately, aside from the divorce, I didn’t cause them much trauma. I guess the jury is still out on that one though.

I’m grateful that sobriety helped me to end the generational cycle of abuse and trauma that plagued my family for the last few centuries. ACA has been helpful in this regard too. I still attend one ACA meeting per week along with 2-3 AA meetings.

Every day my phone reminds me how precious time is. When photos of my kids from their younger years pop up, I feel a deep sadness knowing I can never get those days back.

That’s why I enjoyed yesterday so much. I was present and fully aware that my daughter would never be that age again. When I’m present, I’m suspended in time—caught in the moment. Cherishing each breath with her. Studying her actions and reactions. Wondering what she’s thinking.

Time. The invaluable resource. Don’t waste it. Sobriety has taught me not to.

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Disappointment in our Children

My oldest son totaled a car a few days ago. He’s had his license less than 2 weeks.

Disappointed. Depressed. Frustrated.

These feelings came up for both of us. There was no need to rip into him and make him feel worse. Like me, he’s his own harshest critic.

I was the first person he called after the accident. If I was still drowning my problems in alcohol and drugs, would that have been the case? Doubtful.

That being said, it’s been a rough few days. His $3,000 ride is now worth next to nothing. The car was in really good condition. My Grandmother gave it to him since she is becoming a danger to others and herself on the roadways. Although 14 years old, the car was in perfect “grandma-care” condition. She’s being graceful and like all of us, just cares that he escaped without injury to himself or others.

Yes, I have gratitude that he’s okay and that no one was hurt. Disappointment still persists. I was reminded by a few sober mentors that I wasn’t exactly a valedictorian when I was my son’s age. Hell, I don’t know how my father even put up with me.

Arrested multiple times before I was 18, selling drugs out of my bedroom window, throwing parties on school nights and just plain raising hell. A rebel without a cause. By the Grace of God, we all survived. I’m able to make amends to those still living. For those that have passed, I live my life to honor them. I was blessed with a second chance. Many never took advantage of second chances.

I wonder if my disappointment toward my son is really just me projecting my disappointment toward my younger self. I sometimes romanticize that I would have been an Ivy League graduate had I not found alcohol and drugs. So yes, there’s disappointment to a life I never chose to live.

Maybe, there’s a lesson to be learned there.

Love Life.

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Needed this today

I always entertain great hopes.

—Robert Frost

In our honest journey, we must admit life is often difficult and painful. But these facts do not describe all of life, and they do not determine how we respond. The sun rises warm and bright after a cold and dark night. The open, generous smile of a small child reaches into the soft part of us all. To be strong and hardy men on this spiritual path, we must be truthful about the pain and unfairness in life while holding firmly to a belief in all the generous possibilities.

Surrendering to despair, we trade the uncertainty of options for the certainty of gloom. Then we might say, “At least I’m never disappointed this way.” Life isn’t filled only with difficulty and pain. It is also filled with people whose dignity and spirit rise above their circumstances. There are situations when great sacrifice or love and wisdom turn a problem into an opportunity and strength. If we look at what has happened in our own lives and in those of others, we have ample reason to hope.

My own experience in recovery gives me great hope in what can be.

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Mourning Our Children’s Childhoods – The Teenage Years

I have two teenage boys. My oldest is maturing and finally coming out of the worst it. My middle child is just now entering it. He’s in middle school – middle school simply sucks. And his attitude reflects this.

I think the worst part is coming to the realization that once your kids enter the teenage years, they’ll never be children again. It’s a dramatic gut punch.

My favorite years that hold the most cherished memories are when they were 18 months through 11 years old. Its the period of so much growth and they still believe their parents can do no wrong.

It’s sad and difficult once the attitude starts appearing and they begin disappearing into their rooms for more and more of each evening. I get it. They need the solitude to learn who they are and to decompress from their increasingly complex days at school.

I still make it a priority to spend quality time with each child every day. We only have today and I will always strive to make the best of it.

I also work the ACA program ( Adult Children of Alcoholics), so I’ve dug deep into my own inner child work. And maybe I’ve been mourning my own childhood moreso than my own children’s childhoods.

Regardless, I’ll never experience childhood again. Mine was difficult and confusing. I know my divorce was hard on my oldest who was 8 at the time. I’ve grown into the Dad I’ve always wanted to become, but a broken home is a tragic.

There’s always a cost to growth. My growth as definitely costly, but worth it.

Maybe, someday, my kids will understand.

Seize the day. Nothing is promised.

“Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.”
― Rumi

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Control

Realizing how much is actually in my control can be both difficult and relieving. One of the hardest things about my divorce has been discipling my children while the place they live for the other 50% of the time has a very different outlook on raising children. My ex and I tried to get on the same page for years. We’re just two very different people. That was once not the case. Sobriety and life changes everyone. It can be hard.

My middle child has historically been a very good student. His grades started to dip last year (his first year in middle school) and they have been getting worse. At 13, he’s one of the last in his class to have a phone. I told him that if he received straight A’s for two quarters, I’d get him a phone. He’s been struggling a bit since that time and I just learned that his mom bought him a phone this week. Sigh.

I have come to believe that everyone is doing the best they can with the tools they have at the time.

I can’t control my son getting straight A’s. I cannot control what happens under my ex’s roof.

I can however, create an environment at my house that encourages learning and rewards progress. I can control my actions and attitude.

I can control if I pick up a drink or not. There was a time I didn’t have that choice. I was a slave to my addictions. Work the 12 steps deconstructed an unhealthy ego and rebuilt a healthy one. For that, I am grateful.

My kids have turned out to be wonderful human beings, despite what I thought the divorce might do to them. For that, I am grateful.

I’ll keep trudging the road of happy destiny, controlling what I know I can control.

“Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.”
― Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man

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Book Recommendation: “We” by Robert Johnson

Just finished up Robert Jordan’s book on the psychology of romantic love, “We“. I’ve been hit with a nasty flu bug that’s been around. Not fun, but I had a chance to catch up on some reading.

If you’ve ever been in love, currently in love, addicted to love or searching for love, I couldn’t recommend this enough.

The author writes about the psychology behind a mythological story centered around the fate of two lovers, Tristan and Iseult.

Johnson connects the myth’s symbolism in relation to our Western culture’s obsession with romantic love. And how our understanding of romantic love in the West is not sustainable for healthy human relationships.

Instead, Johnson recommends looking upon the simplicity of romantic relationships with love that is built upon commitment and loyalty rather than the addictive qualities of falling in love. This type of perspective on relationships is sustainable.

A self-proclaimed Jungian, Johnson has written two other companion books to “We“. Aptly titled “He” and “She“. I’ve read all three and they’re all worth a read. “We” was my favorite though.

Have any good book recommendations? Contact me or leave a comment below.

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Gone Too Soon

One of my friends I grew up with was reported missing a few days ago. They found his body on the side of a street Christmas Eve. He was 40 years old. Gone too soon.

My friend was a good poet. We first met at a treatment center when we were teenagers. He was smart and creative, but also a troubled soul.

I received this message from him in April of last year:

“Hey just wanted to say thank you for never giving up on me brother. I truly appreciate it.  Been sober since Dec and doing really good.  Working, have an amazing woman, life is good. Thank you for seeing in me what I couldn’t. Love you for everything.”

His death is only the most recent of many people I’ve lost in my life. Just about all of my friends and family members that passed before me struggled with alcohol and drug addiction. My mother, my best childhood friend, the first woman I loved and many other close friends passed from this life way too early. All of them were gifted in one way or another.

It’s terribly unfortunate. I sometimes can’t make much sense of it. I experience survivor’s guilt. Waves of grief and sadness flow through me.

But there’s also gratitude and hope. Yes, it’s true drug and alcohol addiction affects countless other people than just the person addicted. The alcoholic or addict creates a space of selfishness, drama, trauma and ugly situations in his wake.

Luckily, I also get to witness the ripple effects of a person in recovery. An alcoholic or addict’s life can change. Once they change, it creates positive effects on her family, friends, loved ones and community. Kid’s lives are forever transformed for the better. Love is communicated. Hope is given. Forgiveness granted.

For any of those struggling, there’s always hope. A better way to live exists.

“When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.”

– Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
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The Beginning of Love

“The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them”

― Thomas Merton, No Man Is an Island

The beginning of love is such a powerful experience. The feelings and thoughts that usually occur during this time can be life-altering. I’m grateful to have experienced it a few times in my life. I learned many lessons from each experience. I took those lessons into the next relationship and cultivated a deeper and truer love each time. I have much more love to give if there’s another chapter in my romantic life. My love is more agape and unattached than at previous times in my life. Time will tell if and when I get to share this through romantic channels. For now, I’m content sharing it with my family and friends.