Tag: Sobriety

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Step 10 – 12 Steps and 12 Traditions

AA 12 and 12

“Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.”

Promptly admitting we were wrong. Such a great life lesson and practice that I’ve undertaken over the last 8 years. When I was drinking and using, I never meant “I’m sorry”. I never learned how to apologize until working the 12 steps.

I’d make plenty of empty apologies, but those were expressed just to get someone off my ass while I continued my bad behavior.

Now, when I’m wrong or exhibit bad behavior I have the self awareness to apologize and correct my actions immediately. This has saved me a bunch of heartaches and headaches.

“For the wise have always known that no one can make much of his life until self-searching becomes a regular habit…”

When I was out drinking, self-searching wasn’t even on my radar. I just wanted to numb myself into oblivion most nights.

In sobriety, I no longer have that option. In order to maintain some sort of emotional balance I NEED to do a depth of self-searching activities. These include other 12 step programs.

My wife pokes fun at me for needing 3 hours of self care each morning before work. My routine consists of breath work, meditation, yoga, running, weightlifting and a cold shower. Even with all these activities, my mind can still be a scary place to live at times.

I like to say that AA did not solve all my problems, but it opened up the doors to things that did.

At 5 years sober, I hit an emotional bottom. I was sharing about this experience at a meeting and a beautiful soul pulled me aside and told me I should look into the program of Adult Children of Alcoholics. That program saved my relationship and has kept me emotional sober. Absolutely life changing. I’ll dive into that experience at another time.

I’ve also successfully used therapy in conjunction with 12 step.

“It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also.”

This one is deep…and usually true. If we are in balance spiritually, physically, emotionally and mentally, another person’s words or actions should not be able to negatively affect us.

I agree it’s difficult to alway maintain that kind of balance, but it is possible.

There are always exceptions: Dealing with narcissists and the failure to create and maintain healthy boundaries to name a few.

Otherwise, it’s always a useful exercise to ask “why” when another person upsets us.

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Time

I recently spent a day with all of my children. I cherish these moments and try not to take them for granted. My youngest is about to turn 2, and I’ve been sober for each minute of her life. I took the day off and went to our local children’s museum. My inner child delighted in watching her play. I was present and clear-headed, soaking up every minute.

I have two older boys. I got sober when they were 8 and 4. During their younger days, my quality time with them was clouded by hangovers, numbness, and fog.

I did the best I could with the tools I had at the time. Although, I was involved, I was often grumpy and not fully present. Fortunately, aside from the divorce, I didn’t cause them much trauma. I guess the jury is still out on that one though.

I’m grateful that sobriety helped me to end the generational cycle of abuse and trauma that plagued my family for the last few centuries. ACA has been helpful in this regard too. I still attend one ACA meeting per week along with 2-3 AA meetings.

Every day my phone reminds me how precious time is. When photos of my kids from their younger years pop up, I feel a deep sadness knowing I can never get those days back.

That’s why I enjoyed yesterday so much. I was present and fully aware that my daughter would never be that age again. When I’m present, I’m suspended in time—caught in the moment. Cherishing each breath with her. Studying her actions and reactions. Wondering what she’s thinking.

Time. The invaluable resource. Don’t waste it. Sobriety has taught me not to.

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Mourning Our Children’s Childhoods – The Teenage Years

I have two teenage boys. My oldest is maturing and finally coming out of the worst it. My middle child is just now entering it. He’s in middle school – middle school simply sucks. And his attitude reflects this.

I think the worst part is coming to the realization that once your kids enter the teenage years, they’ll never be children again. It’s a dramatic gut punch.

My favorite years that hold the most cherished memories are when they were 18 months through 11 years old. Its the period of so much growth and they still believe their parents can do no wrong.

It’s sad and difficult once the attitude starts appearing and they begin disappearing into their rooms for more and more of each evening. I get it. They need the solitude to learn who they are and to decompress from their increasingly complex days at school.

I still make it a priority to spend quality time with each child every day. We only have today and I will always strive to make the best of it.

I also work the ACA program ( Adult Children of Alcoholics), so I’ve dug deep into my own inner child work. And maybe I’ve been mourning my own childhood moreso than my own children’s childhoods.

Regardless, I’ll never experience childhood again. Mine was difficult and confusing. I know my divorce was hard on my oldest who was 8 at the time. I’ve grown into the Dad I’ve always wanted to become, but a broken home is a tragic.

There’s always a cost to growth. My growth as definitely costly, but worth it.

Maybe, someday, my kids will understand.

Seize the day. Nothing is promised.

“Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.”
― Rumi

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Control

Realizing how much is actually in my control can be both difficult and relieving. One of the hardest things about my divorce has been discipling my children while the place they live for the other 50% of the time has a very different outlook on raising children. My ex and I tried to get on the same page for years. We’re just two very different people. That was once not the case. Sobriety and life changes everyone. It can be hard.

My middle child has historically been a very good student. His grades started to dip last year (his first year in middle school) and they have been getting worse. At 13, he’s one of the last in his class to have a phone. I told him that if he received straight A’s for two quarters, I’d get him a phone. He’s been struggling a bit since that time and I just learned that his mom bought him a phone this week. Sigh.

I have come to believe that everyone is doing the best they can with the tools they have at the time.

I can’t control my son getting straight A’s. I cannot control what happens under my ex’s roof.

I can however, create an environment at my house that encourages learning and rewards progress. I can control my actions and attitude.

I can control if I pick up a drink or not. There was a time I didn’t have that choice. I was a slave to my addictions. Work the 12 steps deconstructed an unhealthy ego and rebuilt a healthy one. For that, I am grateful.

My kids have turned out to be wonderful human beings, despite what I thought the divorce might do to them. For that, I am grateful.

I’ll keep trudging the road of happy destiny, controlling what I know I can control.

“Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.”
― Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man

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Gone Too Soon

One of my friends I grew up with was reported missing a few days ago. They found his body on the side of a street Christmas Eve. He was 40 years old. Gone too soon.

My friend was a good poet. We first met at a treatment center when we were teenagers. He was smart and creative, but also a troubled soul.

I received this message from him in April of last year:

“Hey just wanted to say thank you for never giving up on me brother. I truly appreciate it.  Been sober since Dec and doing really good.  Working, have an amazing woman, life is good. Thank you for seeing in me what I couldn’t. Love you for everything.”

His death is only the most recent of many people I’ve lost in my life. Just about all of my friends and family members that passed before me struggled with alcohol and drug addiction. My mother, my best childhood friend, the first woman I loved and many other close friends passed from this life way too early. All of them were gifted in one way or another.

It’s terribly unfortunate. I sometimes can’t make much sense of it. I experience survivor’s guilt. Waves of grief and sadness flow through me.

But there’s also gratitude and hope. Yes, it’s true drug and alcohol addiction affects countless other people than just the person addicted. The alcoholic or addict creates a space of selfishness, drama, trauma and ugly situations in his wake.

Luckily, I also get to witness the ripple effects of a person in recovery. An alcoholic or addict’s life can change. Once they change, it creates positive effects on her family, friends, loved ones and community. Kid’s lives are forever transformed for the better. Love is communicated. Hope is given. Forgiveness granted.

For any of those struggling, there’s always hope. A better way to live exists.

“When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.”

– Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
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The Awakening, Part 2

The Wheel of Awakening

You can find The Awakening, Part 1 here.

Drinking while trying to save a marriage is not a good idea. Especially when the marriage is in trouble directly because of alcohol. Yet, that’s where I found myself during the month of April 2016.

I entered therapy because I knew something was wrong with me. I didn’t believe it was my drinking though. Maybe it had to do with processing my Mother’s unexpected death. She took her own life almost a decade prior, after battling decades of mental illness.

I also knew I couldn’t stop drinking. My therapist had suggested I begin improving my life by quitting drinking. I was stubborn and thought there had to be another way.

I continued to drink heavily a few times per week. It was during one of these hardcore drinking sessions that I received a phone call informing me that Neely had overdosed on heroin.

Neely was my first serious girlfriend and the first girl I loved. My best childhood friend had died a few years prior by overdose too. I was shocked. What the hell was happening in my life. If I continued down this road of drinking my problems away, would I end up dead soon, too?

I woke up the next morning feeling like death. I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. A voice, or rather, a strong thought entered my mind. “You really screwed things up this time. You should commit suicide just like your mother.”

I knew then, that if I continued drinking my pain away and suppressing long pent up feelings, I would end up dead. I was ready to find a new way of life.

Out of options, I took my therapist’s advice and entered a recovery program. It was there that I began to heal. In fact, I’m still healing, almost 4 years later.

In my program, I met people who believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. Others entered my life and loved me when I didn’t love myself. This type of community is powerful. They showed me how to live life sober. Showed me how to be happy and love others. Maybe most important, they showed me how to live a life of service.

One of my favorite quotes is from Joseph Campbell, “The cave that we fear to enter, contains the treasure that we seek.” The obstacle is indeed the path. There’s just no way around our pain. We must process our pain in order to grow. And once we grow, we’re able to help others do the same.

It has turned out to be such a beautiful life. One that was very close to never happening.

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Drinking Vicariously Through Others

Drinking Vicariously Through Others In Sobriety

We had an absolutely EPIC company Christmas Party last night. Many clients and friends were able to stop by. Amazing food. Great live Jazz. And alcohol. Plenty of alcohol. At 3.5 years sober, I had no problem with it all. If anything, I had a blast watching others have a good time and vicariously drinking through them.

I don’t think this perspective is a bad thing at all. There was a time I thought I’d never have a good time at an alcohol centered function again. On the contrary, I’m having such a better time at company dinners and friend’s parties than I ever thought imaginable – drunk or sober.

There are a few reasons for this. Most importantly, I’ve never felt more like me in my entire life. I’m more confident, funny, smart and witty (not too humble apparently) than ever. Sobriety and the solitude that came after my divorce allowed me to look deeply inward to find myself.

Secondly, since I’m not drinking, I’m not focused on the maintenance of my buzz. I’m much more present and engaged in conversation with others. I’m not concerned with what my next drink will be, how many more I can consume, how I’m getting home, etc. etc.

Sobriety has allowed me to attract people, places, and things into my life that I never thought possible. I’m forever grateful.

I can’t wait to see what’s next. I know this though, it won’t be a hangover.

Alcohol is good at disinfecting things

It can clean a surface or erase memories

– Richard L. Ratliff
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The Awakening, Part 1

The Wheel of Awakening

So, how exactly did I get here?  By an Awakening.  I suppose you could call it a spiritual one.  One that is guaranteed to occur if you follow certain steps.

It’s been over three years since my wife of 13 years – we were together a total of 17 – demanded a divorce. Looking back, I cannot blame her. I was deeply unhappy with myself. I was in a downward spiral. Something was wrong with me. I just didn’t know what exactly that “something” was.

Turns out my turbulent, erratic and traumatic childhood affected me more than I wished to admit. At the age of 37 I was forced to deal with my childhood trauma that I tried to suppress for decades. Alcohol no longer helped. Trust me, I tried.

I was so full of self-hatred because of the way I was trying to process
these feelings. Unfortunately, my feelings of self-hatred were transferred
onto my wife. She did nothing but love me with all she had.

So, the divorce that was thrust upon me and slowly began to wake me up. I say slowly because I still tried to drink for another month or so while trying to save my marriage.  Which, it turns out, was not exactly the most thought out plan.

Part 2 forthcoming

“While the Dark Night of the Soul is a process of death, the Spiritual Awakening Process is the rebirth.”

Mateo Sol