Tag: My Journey

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Step 10 – 12 Steps and 12 Traditions

AA 12 and 12

“Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.”

Promptly admitting we were wrong. Such a great life lesson and practice that I’ve undertaken over the last 8 years. When I was drinking and using, I never meant “I’m sorry”. I never learned how to apologize until working the 12 steps.

I’d make plenty of empty apologies, but those were expressed just to get someone off my ass while I continued my bad behavior.

Now, when I’m wrong or exhibit bad behavior I have the self awareness to apologize and correct my actions immediately. This has saved me a bunch of heartaches and headaches.

“For the wise have always known that no one can make much of his life until self-searching becomes a regular habit…”

When I was out drinking, self-searching wasn’t even on my radar. I just wanted to numb myself into oblivion most nights.

In sobriety, I no longer have that option. In order to maintain some sort of emotional balance I NEED to do a depth of self-searching activities. These include other 12 step programs.

My wife pokes fun at me for needing 3 hours of self care each morning before work. My routine consists of breath work, meditation, yoga, running, weightlifting and a cold shower. Even with all these activities, my mind can still be a scary place to live at times.

I like to say that AA did not solve all my problems, but it opened up the doors to things that did.

At 5 years sober, I hit an emotional bottom. I was sharing about this experience at a meeting and a beautiful soul pulled me aside and told me I should look into the program of Adult Children of Alcoholics. That program saved my relationship and has kept me emotional sober. Absolutely life changing. I’ll dive into that experience at another time.

I’ve also successfully used therapy in conjunction with 12 step.

“It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also.”

This one is deep…and usually true. If we are in balance spiritually, physically, emotionally and mentally, another person’s words or actions should not be able to negatively affect us.

I agree it’s difficult to alway maintain that kind of balance, but it is possible.

There are always exceptions: Dealing with narcissists and the failure to create and maintain healthy boundaries to name a few.

Otherwise, it’s always a useful exercise to ask “why” when another person upsets us.

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Time

I recently spent a day with all of my children. I cherish these moments and try not to take them for granted. My youngest is about to turn 2, and I’ve been sober for each minute of her life. I took the day off and went to our local children’s museum. My inner child delighted in watching her play. I was present and clear-headed, soaking up every minute.

I have two older boys. I got sober when they were 8 and 4. During their younger days, my quality time with them was clouded by hangovers, numbness, and fog.

I did the best I could with the tools I had at the time. Although, I was involved, I was often grumpy and not fully present. Fortunately, aside from the divorce, I didn’t cause them much trauma. I guess the jury is still out on that one though.

I’m grateful that sobriety helped me to end the generational cycle of abuse and trauma that plagued my family for the last few centuries. ACA has been helpful in this regard too. I still attend one ACA meeting per week along with 2-3 AA meetings.

Every day my phone reminds me how precious time is. When photos of my kids from their younger years pop up, I feel a deep sadness knowing I can never get those days back.

That’s why I enjoyed yesterday so much. I was present and fully aware that my daughter would never be that age again. When I’m present, I’m suspended in time—caught in the moment. Cherishing each breath with her. Studying her actions and reactions. Wondering what she’s thinking.

Time. The invaluable resource. Don’t waste it. Sobriety has taught me not to.

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Mourning Our Children’s Childhoods – The Teenage Years

I have two teenage boys. My oldest is maturing and finally coming out of the worst it. My middle child is just now entering it. He’s in middle school – middle school simply sucks. And his attitude reflects this.

I think the worst part is coming to the realization that once your kids enter the teenage years, they’ll never be children again. It’s a dramatic gut punch.

My favorite years that hold the most cherished memories are when they were 18 months through 11 years old. Its the period of so much growth and they still believe their parents can do no wrong.

It’s sad and difficult once the attitude starts appearing and they begin disappearing into their rooms for more and more of each evening. I get it. They need the solitude to learn who they are and to decompress from their increasingly complex days at school.

I still make it a priority to spend quality time with each child every day. We only have today and I will always strive to make the best of it.

I also work the ACA program ( Adult Children of Alcoholics), so I’ve dug deep into my own inner child work. And maybe I’ve been mourning my own childhood moreso than my own children’s childhoods.

Regardless, I’ll never experience childhood again. Mine was difficult and confusing. I know my divorce was hard on my oldest who was 8 at the time. I’ve grown into the Dad I’ve always wanted to become, but a broken home is a tragic.

There’s always a cost to growth. My growth as definitely costly, but worth it.

Maybe, someday, my kids will understand.

Seize the day. Nothing is promised.

“Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.”
― Rumi

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The Awakening, Part 1

The Wheel of Awakening

So, how exactly did I get here?  By an Awakening.  I suppose you could call it a spiritual one.  One that is guaranteed to occur if you follow certain steps.

It’s been over three years since my wife of 13 years – we were together a total of 17 – demanded a divorce. Looking back, I cannot blame her. I was deeply unhappy with myself. I was in a downward spiral. Something was wrong with me. I just didn’t know what exactly that “something” was.

Turns out my turbulent, erratic and traumatic childhood affected me more than I wished to admit. At the age of 37 I was forced to deal with my childhood trauma that I tried to suppress for decades. Alcohol no longer helped. Trust me, I tried.

I was so full of self-hatred because of the way I was trying to process
these feelings. Unfortunately, my feelings of self-hatred were transferred
onto my wife. She did nothing but love me with all she had.

So, the divorce that was thrust upon me and slowly began to wake me up. I say slowly because I still tried to drink for another month or so while trying to save my marriage.  Which, it turns out, was not exactly the most thought out plan.

Part 2 forthcoming

“While the Dark Night of the Soul is a process of death, the Spiritual Awakening Process is the rebirth.”

Mateo Sol
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Allow Me to Introduce Myself

Rae Lakes
Rae Lakes

In some ways, this blog has been a long time coming, I have been inspired by so many others, maybe this little blog can help inspire others as well.

My intention with this blog is to tell my story. I hope it will help others implement a more productive lifestyle for themselves and for the greater good of the world. Along with sharing my story, I’ll share my journey and thoughts as they pertain to the spiritual, intellectual and emotional areas of life.

This includes thoughts on my passions:

  • fitness (I’m a runner)
  • food (I’m mostly a vegetarian)
  • music (I’m a former DJ)
  • spirituality (still finding my path)
  • fatherhood (two amazing boys)
  • coaching (youth sports)
  • books (I love them).

Many people say that they want to change, but few are willing to do what it takes to actually enact that change in their lives. Although I have experienced an awakening, I could not have done it alone. The universe brought many people into my life that loved and believed in me when I did not love or believe in myself. This was crucial to changing everything about my life. Bad habits were replaced with positive ones. My negative thoughts were replaced by constructive ones. Not-so-good actions were replaced by better ones. More will be revealed.

Peace and Love.

Love life.

Allow me to reintroduce myself, my name is Hov!

Jay-z