High Times On Bailey Drive

My Dirty Sobriety

Tag: Fatherhood

  • Time

    I recently spent a day with all of my children. I cherish these moments and try not to take them for granted. My youngest is about to turn 2, and I’ve been sober for each minute of her life. I took the day off and went to our local children’s museum. My inner child delighted in watching her play. I was present and clear-headed, soaking up every minute.

    I have two older boys. I got sober when they were 8 and 4. During their younger days, my quality time with them was clouded by hangovers, numbness, and fog.

    I did the best I could with the tools I had at the time. Although, I was involved, I was often grumpy and not fully present. Fortunately, aside from the divorce, I didn’t cause them much trauma. I guess the jury is still out on that one though.

    I’m grateful that sobriety helped me to end the generational cycle of abuse and trauma that plagued my family for the last few centuries. ACA has been helpful in this regard too. I still attend one ACA meeting per week along with 2-3 AA meetings.

    Every day my phone reminds me how precious time is. When photos of my kids from their younger years pop up, I feel a deep sadness knowing I can never get those days back.

    That’s why I enjoyed yesterday so much. I was present and fully aware that my daughter would never be that age again. When I’m present, I’m suspended in time—caught in the moment. Cherishing each breath with her. Studying her actions and reactions. Wondering what she’s thinking.

    Time. The invaluable resource. Don’t waste it. Sobriety has taught me not to.

  • Disappointment in our Children

    My oldest son totaled a car a few days ago. He’s had his license less than 2 weeks.

    Disappointed. Depressed. Frustrated.

    These feelings came up for both of us. There was no need to rip into him and make him feel worse. Like me, he’s his own harshest critic.

    I was the first person he called after the accident. If I was still drowning my problems in alcohol and drugs, would that have been the case? Doubtful.

    That being said, it’s been a rough few days. His $3,000 ride is now worth next to nothing. The car was in really good condition. My Grandmother gave it to him since she is becoming a danger to others and herself on the roadways. Although 14 years old, the car was in perfect “grandma-care” condition. She’s being graceful and like all of us, just cares that he escaped without injury to himself or others.

    Yes, I have gratitude that he’s okay and that no one was hurt. Disappointment still persists. I was reminded by a few sober mentors that I wasn’t exactly a valedictorian when I was my son’s age. Hell, I don’t know how my father even put up with me.

    Arrested multiple times before I was 18, selling drugs out of my bedroom window, throwing parties on school nights and just plain raising hell. A rebel without a cause. By the Grace of God, we all survived. I’m able to make amends to those still living. For those that have passed, I live my life to honor them. I was blessed with a second chance. Many never took advantage of second chances.

    I wonder if my disappointment toward my son is really just me projecting my disappointment toward my younger self. I sometimes romanticize that I would have been an Ivy League graduate had I not found alcohol and drugs. So yes, there’s disappointment to a life I never chose to live.

    Maybe, there’s a lesson to be learned there.

    Love Life.

  • Mourning Our Children’s Childhoods – The Teenage Years

    I have two teenage boys. My oldest is maturing and finally coming out of the worst it. My middle child is just now entering it. He’s in middle school – middle school simply sucks. And his attitude reflects this.

    I think the worst part is coming to the realization that once your kids enter the teenage years, they’ll never be children again. It’s a dramatic gut punch.

    My favorite years that hold the most cherished memories are when they were 18 months through 11 years old. Its the period of so much growth and they still believe their parents can do no wrong.

    It’s sad and difficult once the attitude starts appearing and they begin disappearing into their rooms for more and more of each evening. I get it. They need the solitude to learn who they are and to decompress from their increasingly complex days at school.

    I still make it a priority to spend quality time with each child every day. We only have today and I will always strive to make the best of it.

    I also work the ACA program ( Adult Children of Alcoholics), so I’ve dug deep into my own inner child work. And maybe I’ve been mourning my own childhood moreso than my own children’s childhoods.

    Regardless, I’ll never experience childhood again. Mine was difficult and confusing. I know my divorce was hard on my oldest who was 8 at the time. I’ve grown into the Dad I’ve always wanted to become, but a broken home is a tragic.

    There’s always a cost to growth. My growth as definitely costly, but worth it.

    Maybe, someday, my kids will understand.

    Seize the day. Nothing is promised.

    “Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.”
    ― Rumi

  • Control

    Realizing how much is actually in my control can be both difficult and relieving. One of the hardest things about my divorce has been discipling my children while the place they live for the other 50% of the time has a very different outlook on raising children. My ex and I tried to get on the same page for years. We’re just two very different people. That was once not the case. Sobriety and life changes everyone. It can be hard.

    My middle child has historically been a very good student. His grades started to dip last year (his first year in middle school) and they have been getting worse. At 13, he’s one of the last in his class to have a phone. I told him that if he received straight A’s for two quarters, I’d get him a phone. He’s been struggling a bit since that time and I just learned that his mom bought him a phone this week. Sigh.

    I have come to believe that everyone is doing the best they can with the tools they have at the time.

    I can’t control my son getting straight A’s. I cannot control what happens under my ex’s roof.

    I can however, create an environment at my house that encourages learning and rewards progress. I can control my actions and attitude.

    I can control if I pick up a drink or not. There was a time I didn’t have that choice. I was a slave to my addictions. Work the 12 steps deconstructed an unhealthy ego and rebuilt a healthy one. For that, I am grateful.

    My kids have turned out to be wonderful human beings, despite what I thought the divorce might do to them. For that, I am grateful.

    I’ll keep trudging the road of happy destiny, controlling what I know I can control.

    “Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.”
    ― Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man