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The Awakening, Part 2

The Wheel of Awakening

You can find The Awakening, Part 1 here.

Drinking while trying to save a marriage is not a good idea. Especially when the marriage is in trouble directly because of alcohol. Yet, that’s where I found myself during the month of April 2016.

I entered therapy because I knew something was wrong with me. I didn’t believe it was my drinking though. Maybe it had to do with processing my Mother’s unexpected death. She took her own life almost a decade prior, after battling decades of mental illness.

I also knew I couldn’t stop drinking. My therapist had suggested I begin improving my life by quitting drinking. I was stubborn and thought there had to be another way.

I continued to drink heavily a few times per week. It was during one of these hardcore drinking sessions that I received a phone call informing me that Neely had overdosed on heroin.

Neely was my first serious girlfriend and the first girl I loved. My best childhood friend had died a few years prior by overdose too. I was shocked. What the hell was happening in my life. If I continued down this road of drinking my problems away, would I end up dead soon, too?

I woke up the next morning feeling like death. I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. A voice, or rather, a strong thought entered my mind. “You really screwed things up this time. You should commit suicide just like your mother.”

I knew then, that if I continued drinking my pain away and suppressing long pent up feelings, I would end up dead. I was ready to find a new way of life.

Out of options, I took my therapist’s advice and entered a recovery program. It was there that I began to heal. In fact, I’m still healing, almost 4 years later.

In my program, I met people who believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. Others entered my life and loved me when I didn’t love myself. This type of community is powerful. They showed me how to live life sober. Showed me how to be happy and love others. Maybe most important, they showed me how to live a life of service.

One of my favorite quotes is from Joseph Campbell, “The cave that we fear to enter, contains the treasure that we seek.” The obstacle is indeed the path. There’s just no way around our pain. We must process our pain in order to grow. And once we grow, we’re able to help others do the same.

It has turned out to be such a beautiful life. One that was very close to never happening.

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Film Recommendation: End of The Fu**ing World

Film Recommendations

Maybe I’m a sucker for coming of age stories. Maybe it was the cinematography. I binge-watched End of the Fu**ing World, Season 1 yesterday. And I loved it.

Laugh out loud funny. Great, great acting by the entire cast. Definitely on the dark side to begin with, but trended toward heartfelt near the end.

I often wonder why I enjoy coming of age stories so much. Maybe because I lived a life where I bypassed my teenage years through a haze of alcohol and drugs. Somehow, I developed empathy along the way. Perhaps it was during my turbulent childhood. Perhaps it developed through the use of mind-altering chemicals. I yearn for my adolescent years. So many feels during that period of life. This series really captured and portrayed some of those feels (and no, not the psychopathic ones).

Season 2 is out now, but I’ve heard it’s not as grand. Maybe I’ll just stop now and appreciate Season 1 for its perfectness.

Either way, I highly recommend giving it a watch.

TO BE MAD IN A DERANGED WORLD IS NOT MADNESS. IT’S SANITY.

– Leslie

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Drinking Vicariously Through Others

Drinking Vicariously Through Others In Sobriety

We had an absolutely EPIC company Christmas Party last night. Many clients and friends were able to stop by. Amazing food. Great live Jazz. And alcohol. Plenty of alcohol. At 3.5 years sober, I had no problem with it all. If anything, I had a blast watching others have a good time and vicariously drinking through them.

I don’t think this perspective is a bad thing at all. There was a time I thought I’d never have a good time at an alcohol centered function again. On the contrary, I’m having such a better time at company dinners and friend’s parties than I ever thought imaginable – drunk or sober.

There are a few reasons for this. Most importantly, I’ve never felt more like me in my entire life. I’m more confident, funny, smart and witty (not too humble apparently) than ever. Sobriety and the solitude that came after my divorce allowed me to look deeply inward to find myself.

Secondly, since I’m not drinking, I’m not focused on the maintenance of my buzz. I’m much more present and engaged in conversation with others. I’m not concerned with what my next drink will be, how many more I can consume, how I’m getting home, etc. etc.

Sobriety has allowed me to attract people, places, and things into my life that I never thought possible. I’m forever grateful.

I can’t wait to see what’s next. I know this though, it won’t be a hangover.

Alcohol is good at disinfecting things

It can clean a surface or erase memories

– Richard L. Ratliff
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Creativity and Finding Your Passion

Creativity

I just returned from my kid’s Christmas Program, produced by their performing arts charter school.

It was unbelievably inspiring. I was full of emotion during most of the show. It was apparent that at least 20% of the kids performing had already found their passion and creative outlet. I couldn’t have been happier for them.

For years I didn’t believe I was creative. Part of my problem was drinking and using drugs as my primary hobby for over two decades.

A couple of years into my sobriety I was inspired by Rich Roll’s story. He had been inspired by Julia Cameron’s book, The Artist’s Way. As have many writers and creatives.

I became curious to see if I could unlock any creative potential that might have been suppressed during my drinking and using days. I’ve always loved to read and my technical writing had always been sound. So, I picked up the book and began writing the Morning Pages.

Not only has my life improved, but my writing has too. It has sparked the creation of this blog. Well, that and giving up social media.

It took many, many decades for me to discover a passion for life and a creative outlet. Watching the 12-year-olds tonight bursting with passion and creativity made me happy. Oddly, I was not the least bit envious of the headstart they have, compared to where I was at their age.

I believe we are all born with talents and gifts. Our primary purpose in life is to discover those gifts and share them with the world. This will inspire future generations to discover and share their own gifts with humanity. That’s what this life is all about. Leaving the world a little better than when we entered it.

I tried to throw away this precious life for many years. Now that I’ve been given another chance, my life is full of much deeper meaning. Every day I wish to be inspired and aim to inspire others.

I encourage everyone who has not found their passion to continue their search. It’s there. Don’t give up. Be patient with yourself. It took me 38 years to believe I had creativity that could be cultivated intrinsically.

And that passion I witnessed tonight bursting out from that group of young kids? That same passion is within us all. It’s up to us to find and cultivate that passion.

Peace and Love.

My fault, my failure, is not in the passions I have, but in my lack of control of them

– Jack Kerouac
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Why I’m Taking A Break From Social Media

To be different, of course.  Not really.  Well, maybe a little.  Ego can be a tricky thing. 

As an individual prone to addictive behavior, it was too easy for me to succumb to mindlessly scrolling after receiving hits of dopamine, aka notifications.  The minimalists call the urge to pick up your phone a “twitching”.

I also found myself harshly judging others for their behavior, appearance, actions, beliefs, and thoughts.  I finally became aware of these negative thought patterns and wasn’t happy with them. 

Between the timesink that social media had become – a few minutes scrolling between tasks, while watching television and at multiple other random points of the day, I decided to take a break.

For now, I’m taking a break throughout the end of the year.  I still want to be inspired and have a chance of inspiring others.  Often, Social Media can be a great platform for this. 

So, if I return, I promise to be more intentional.  Maybe I will keep my thoughts and life updates confined to this blog and share links on my social media.  I’m not sure.

I do know that after two weeks without it, I feel much freer.  My creativity and productivity are up.  And somehow, I feel a greater love for everyone.

Distracted from distraction by distraction

– T.S. Eliot
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The Awakening, Part 1

The Wheel of Awakening

So, how exactly did I get here?  By an Awakening.  I suppose you could call it a spiritual one.  One that is guaranteed to occur if you follow certain steps.

It’s been over three years since my wife of 13 years – we were together a total of 17 – demanded a divorce. Looking back, I cannot blame her. I was deeply unhappy with myself. I was in a downward spiral. Something was wrong with me. I just didn’t know what exactly that “something” was.

Turns out my turbulent, erratic and traumatic childhood affected me more than I wished to admit. At the age of 37 I was forced to deal with my childhood trauma that I tried to suppress for decades. Alcohol no longer helped. Trust me, I tried.

I was so full of self-hatred because of the way I was trying to process
these feelings. Unfortunately, my feelings of self-hatred were transferred
onto my wife. She did nothing but love me with all she had.

So, the divorce that was thrust upon me and slowly began to wake me up. I say slowly because I still tried to drink for another month or so while trying to save my marriage.  Which, it turns out, was not exactly the most thought out plan.

Part 2 forthcoming

“While the Dark Night of the Soul is a process of death, the Spiritual Awakening Process is the rebirth.”

Mateo Sol
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Allow Me to Introduce Myself

Rae Lakes
Rae Lakes

In some ways, this blog has been a long time coming, I have been inspired by so many others, maybe this little blog can help inspire others as well.

My intention with this blog is to tell my story. I hope it will help others implement a more productive lifestyle for themselves and for the greater good of the world. Along with sharing my story, I’ll share my journey and thoughts as they pertain to the spiritual, intellectual and emotional areas of life.

This includes thoughts on my passions:

  • fitness (I’m a runner)
  • food (I’m mostly a vegetarian)
  • music (I’m a former DJ)
  • spirituality (still finding my path)
  • fatherhood (two amazing boys)
  • coaching (youth sports)
  • books (I love them).

Many people say that they want to change, but few are willing to do what it takes to actually enact that change in their lives. Although I have experienced an awakening, I could not have done it alone. The universe brought many people into my life that loved and believed in me when I did not love or believe in myself. This was crucial to changing everything about my life. Bad habits were replaced with positive ones. My negative thoughts were replaced by constructive ones. Not-so-good actions were replaced by better ones. More will be revealed.

Peace and Love.

Love life.

Allow me to reintroduce myself, my name is Hov!

Jay-z