Category: Spirituality

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A Vision For You – Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

“There was always one more attempt and one more failure.”

I tried to quit drinking thousands times and hundreds of different ways. This is not an embellishment. 25 years of daily drinking and using adds up. There were many mornings filled with regret, shame and the empty promise that I would not drink tonight. That promise usually was made during my morning shower and broken by the afternoon. So soul crushing.

I read many self help books. I started (but never finished) many exercise programs. The only thing that kept me sober for more than a week between the ages of 13 and 37 was a jail cell. At least until I found the program of alcoholics anonymous.

“The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead”

This has become true for me. I lost almost everything in sobriety. The first 3 years were just brutal, as I was trying to learn how to live without drugs and alcohol. I was finally growing emotionally after being stuck at 13 years old emotionally for 25 years. I lost my marriage, almost all of my friends, my business and ended up with over $100,000 worth of debt.

8 years later, I’m in a very healthy relationship, a beautiful daughter, healthy relationships with my children and family, a new successful business and best of all – Serenity.

I help others. I am no longer a liability to my friends, family and community. I am an asset.

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Needed this today

I always entertain great hopes.

—Robert Frost

In our honest journey, we must admit life is often difficult and painful. But these facts do not describe all of life, and they do not determine how we respond. The sun rises warm and bright after a cold and dark night. The open, generous smile of a small child reaches into the soft part of us all. To be strong and hardy men on this spiritual path, we must be truthful about the pain and unfairness in life while holding firmly to a belief in all the generous possibilities.

Surrendering to despair, we trade the uncertainty of options for the certainty of gloom. Then we might say, “At least I’m never disappointed this way.” Life isn’t filled only with difficulty and pain. It is also filled with people whose dignity and spirit rise above their circumstances. There are situations when great sacrifice or love and wisdom turn a problem into an opportunity and strength. If we look at what has happened in our own lives and in those of others, we have ample reason to hope.

My own experience in recovery gives me great hope in what can be.

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Control

Realizing how much is actually in my control can be both difficult and relieving. One of the hardest things about my divorce has been discipling my children while the place they live for the other 50% of the time has a very different outlook on raising children. My ex and I tried to get on the same page for years. We’re just two very different people. That was once not the case. Sobriety and life changes everyone. It can be hard.

My middle child has historically been a very good student. His grades started to dip last year (his first year in middle school) and they have been getting worse. At 13, he’s one of the last in his class to have a phone. I told him that if he received straight A’s for two quarters, I’d get him a phone. He’s been struggling a bit since that time and I just learned that his mom bought him a phone this week. Sigh.

I have come to believe that everyone is doing the best they can with the tools they have at the time.

I can’t control my son getting straight A’s. I cannot control what happens under my ex’s roof.

I can however, create an environment at my house that encourages learning and rewards progress. I can control my actions and attitude.

I can control if I pick up a drink or not. There was a time I didn’t have that choice. I was a slave to my addictions. Work the 12 steps deconstructed an unhealthy ego and rebuilt a healthy one. For that, I am grateful.

My kids have turned out to be wonderful human beings, despite what I thought the divorce might do to them. For that, I am grateful.

I’ll keep trudging the road of happy destiny, controlling what I know I can control.

“Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.”
― Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man

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The Beginning of Love

“The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them”

― Thomas Merton, No Man Is an Island

The beginning of love is such a powerful experience. The feelings and thoughts that usually occur during this time can be life-altering. I’m grateful to have experienced it a few times in my life. I learned many lessons from each experience. I took those lessons into the next relationship and cultivated a deeper and truer love each time. I have much more love to give if there’s another chapter in my romantic life. My love is more agape and unattached than at previous times in my life. Time will tell if and when I get to share this through romantic channels. For now, I’m content sharing it with my family and friends.

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The Awakening, Part 1

The Wheel of Awakening

So, how exactly did I get here?  By an Awakening.  I suppose you could call it a spiritual one.  One that is guaranteed to occur if you follow certain steps.

It’s been over three years since my wife of 13 years – we were together a total of 17 – demanded a divorce. Looking back, I cannot blame her. I was deeply unhappy with myself. I was in a downward spiral. Something was wrong with me. I just didn’t know what exactly that “something” was.

Turns out my turbulent, erratic and traumatic childhood affected me more than I wished to admit. At the age of 37 I was forced to deal with my childhood trauma that I tried to suppress for decades. Alcohol no longer helped. Trust me, I tried.

I was so full of self-hatred because of the way I was trying to process
these feelings. Unfortunately, my feelings of self-hatred were transferred
onto my wife. She did nothing but love me with all she had.

So, the divorce that was thrust upon me and slowly began to wake me up. I say slowly because I still tried to drink for another month or so while trying to save my marriage.  Which, it turns out, was not exactly the most thought out plan.

Part 2 forthcoming

“While the Dark Night of the Soul is a process of death, the Spiritual Awakening Process is the rebirth.”

Mateo Sol