High Times On Bailey Drive

My Dirty Sobriety

Category: My Journey

My own path from drinking to sobriety, one honest post at a time. This is where the personal stories live.

  • 10 Years of Sobriety

    10 Years of Sobriety

    Through the Grace of God, a divinely inspired path of life and a community of people whose primary purpose is to improve the lives of themselves and others, the changes over the last decade have been immense and life altering.

    I evolved:

    From a deeply selfish person to one who aims to be of service to others through leadership, mentorship and living amends.

    From being a liability to my family, friends and community to an asset in the world.

    From a person who could not run for longer than 60 seconds to an ultramarathoner.

    From someone who had not found a path in life to a person who discovered many paths of purpose and fulfillment.

    From being 50 pounds overweight and unhealthy in mind, body and spirit to a human being that is healing mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

    From suppressing my emotions and numbing myself to feeling everything, processing past and present emotions and becoming fully present in the moment.

    From a person full of harsh judgement and resentments to someone who tries to give as much grace as has been given me.

    From someone who was existentially lost to someone spiritually found

    And to think….This life was so close to never happening.

    Always thankful. Always grateful.

    Live that life. Love that life.

    ✌🏼❤️

  • A Vision For You – Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

    A Vision For You – Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

    “There was always one more attempt and one more failure.”

    I tried to quit drinking thousands times and hundreds of different ways. This is not an embellishment. 25 years of daily drinking and using adds up. There were many mornings filled with regret, shame and the empty promise that I would not drink tonight. That promise usually was made during my morning shower and broken by the afternoon. So soul crushing.

    I read many self help books. I started (but never finished) many exercise programs. The only thing that kept me sober for more than a week between the ages of 13 and 37 was a jail cell. At least until I found the program of alcoholics anonymous.

    “The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead”

    This has become true for me. I lost almost everything in sobriety. The first 3 years were just brutal, as I was trying to learn how to live without drugs and alcohol. I was finally growing emotionally after being stuck at 13 years old emotionally for 25 years. I lost my marriage, almost all of my friends, my business and ended up with over $100,000 worth of debt.

    8 years later, I’m in a very healthy relationship, a beautiful daughter, healthy relationships with my children and family, a new successful business and best of all – Serenity.

    I help others. I am no longer a liability to my friends, family and community. I am an asset.

  • Disappointment in our Children

    My oldest son totaled a car a few days ago. He’s had his license less than 2 weeks.

    Disappointed. Depressed. Frustrated.

    These feelings came up for both of us. There was no need to rip into him and make him feel worse. Like me, he’s his own harshest critic.

    I was the first person he called after the accident. If I was still drowning my problems in alcohol and drugs, would that have been the case? Doubtful.

    That being said, it’s been a rough few days. His $3,000 ride is now worth next to nothing. The car was in really good condition. My Grandmother gave it to him since she is becoming a danger to others and herself on the roadways. Although 14 years old, the car was in perfect “grandma-care” condition. She’s being graceful and like all of us, just cares that he escaped without injury to himself or others.

    Yes, I have gratitude that he’s okay and that no one was hurt. Disappointment still persists. I was reminded by a few sober mentors that I wasn’t exactly a valedictorian when I was my son’s age. Hell, I don’t know how my father even put up with me.

    Arrested multiple times before I was 18, selling drugs out of my bedroom window, throwing parties on school nights and just plain raising hell. A rebel without a cause. By the Grace of God, we all survived. I’m able to make amends to those still living. For those that have passed, I live my life to honor them. I was blessed with a second chance. Many never took advantage of second chances.

    I wonder if my disappointment toward my son is really just me projecting my disappointment toward my younger self. I sometimes romanticize that I would have been an Ivy League graduate had I not found alcohol and drugs. So yes, there’s disappointment to a life I never chose to live.

    Maybe, there’s a lesson to be learned there.

    Love Life.

  • Mourning Our Children’s Childhoods – The Teenage Years

    I have two teenage boys. My oldest is maturing and finally coming out of the worst it. My middle child is just now entering it. He’s in middle school – middle school simply sucks. And his attitude reflects this.

    I think the worst part is coming to the realization that once your kids enter the teenage years, they’ll never be children again. It’s a dramatic gut punch.

    My favorite years that hold the most cherished memories are when they were 18 months through 11 years old. Its the period of so much growth and they still believe their parents can do no wrong.

    It’s sad and difficult once the attitude starts appearing and they begin disappearing into their rooms for more and more of each evening. I get it. They need the solitude to learn who they are and to decompress from their increasingly complex days at school.

    I still make it a priority to spend quality time with each child every day. We only have today and I will always strive to make the best of it.

    I also work the ACA program ( Adult Children of Alcoholics), so I’ve dug deep into my own inner child work. And maybe I’ve been mourning my own childhood moreso than my own children’s childhoods.

    Regardless, I’ll never experience childhood again. Mine was difficult and confusing. I know my divorce was hard on my oldest who was 8 at the time. I’ve grown into the Dad I’ve always wanted to become, but a broken home is a tragic.

    There’s always a cost to growth. My growth as definitely costly, but worth it.

    Maybe, someday, my kids will understand.

    Seize the day. Nothing is promised.

    “Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.”
    ― Rumi

  • Control

    Realizing how much is actually in my control can be both difficult and relieving. One of the hardest things about my divorce has been discipling my children while the place they live for the other 50% of the time has a very different outlook on raising children. My ex and I tried to get on the same page for years. We’re just two very different people. That was once not the case. Sobriety and life changes everyone. It can be hard.

    My middle child has historically been a very good student. His grades started to dip last year (his first year in middle school) and they have been getting worse. At 13, he’s one of the last in his class to have a phone. I told him that if he received straight A’s for two quarters, I’d get him a phone. He’s been struggling a bit since that time and I just learned that his mom bought him a phone this week. Sigh.

    I have come to believe that everyone is doing the best they can with the tools they have at the time.

    I can’t control my son getting straight A’s. I cannot control what happens under my ex’s roof.

    I can however, create an environment at my house that encourages learning and rewards progress. I can control my actions and attitude.

    I can control if I pick up a drink or not. There was a time I didn’t have that choice. I was a slave to my addictions. Work the 12 steps deconstructed an unhealthy ego and rebuilt a healthy one. For that, I am grateful.

    My kids have turned out to be wonderful human beings, despite what I thought the divorce might do to them. For that, I am grateful.

    I’ll keep trudging the road of happy destiny, controlling what I know I can control.

    “Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.”
    ― Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man

  • Gone Too Soon

    Gone Too Soon

    One of my friends I grew up with was reported missing a few days ago. They found his body on the side of a street Christmas Eve. He was 40 years old. Gone too soon.

    My friend was a good poet. We first met at a treatment center when we were teenagers. He was smart and creative, but also a troubled soul.

    I received this message from him in April of last year:

    “Hey just wanted to say thank you for never giving up on me brother. I truly appreciate it.  Been sober since Dec and doing really good.  Working, have an amazing woman, life is good. Thank you for seeing in me what I couldn’t. Love you for everything.”

    His death is only the most recent of many people I’ve lost in my life. Just about all of my friends and family members that passed before me struggled with alcohol and drug addiction. My mother, my best childhood friend, the first woman I loved and many other close friends passed from this life way too early. All of them were gifted in one way or another.

    It’s terribly unfortunate. I sometimes can’t make much sense of it. I experience survivor’s guilt. Waves of grief and sadness flow through me.

    But there’s also gratitude and hope. Yes, it’s true drug and alcohol addiction affects countless other people than just the person addicted. The alcoholic or addict creates a space of selfishness, drama, trauma and ugly situations in his wake.

    Luckily, I also get to witness the ripple effects of a person in recovery. An alcoholic or addict’s life can change. Once they change, it creates positive effects on her family, friends, loved ones and community. Kid’s lives are forever transformed for the better. Love is communicated. Hope is given. Forgiveness granted.

    For any of those struggling, there’s always hope. A better way to live exists.

    “When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.”

    – Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist