Category: My Journey

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A Vision For You – Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

“There was always one more attempt and one more failure.”

I tried to quit drinking thousands times and hundreds of different ways. This is not an embellishment. 25 years of daily drinking and using adds up. There were many mornings filled with regret, shame and the empty promise that I would not drink tonight. That promise usually was made during my morning shower and broken by the afternoon. So soul crushing.

I read many self help books. I started (but never finished) many exercise programs. The only thing that kept me sober for more than a week between the ages of 13 and 37 was a jail cell. At least until I found the program of alcoholics anonymous.

“The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead”

This has become true for me. I lost almost everything in sobriety. The first 3 years were just brutal, as I was trying to learn how to live without drugs and alcohol. I was finally growing emotionally after being stuck at 13 years old emotionally for 25 years. I lost my marriage, almost all of my friends, my business and ended up with over $100,000 worth of debt.

8 years later, I’m in a very healthy relationship, a beautiful daughter, healthy relationships with my children and family, a new successful business and best of all – Serenity.

I help others. I am no longer a liability to my friends, family and community. I am an asset.

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Mourning Our Children’s Childhoods – The Teenage Years

I have two teenage boys. My oldest is maturing and finally coming out of the worst it. My middle child is just now entering it. He’s in middle school – middle school simply sucks. And his attitude reflects this.

I think the worst part is coming to the realization that once your kids enter the teenage years, they’ll never be children again. It’s a dramatic gut punch.

My favorite years that hold the most cherished memories are when they were 18 months through 11 years old. Its the period of so much growth and they still believe their parents can do no wrong.

It’s sad and difficult once the attitude starts appearing and they begin disappearing into their rooms for more and more of each evening. I get it. They need the solitude to learn who they are and to decompress from their increasingly complex days at school.

I still make it a priority to spend quality time with each child every day. We only have today and I will always strive to make the best of it.

I also work the ACA program ( Adult Children of Alcoholics), so I’ve dug deep into my own inner child work. And maybe I’ve been mourning my own childhood moreso than my own children’s childhoods.

Regardless, I’ll never experience childhood again. Mine was difficult and confusing. I know my divorce was hard on my oldest who was 8 at the time. I’ve grown into the Dad I’ve always wanted to become, but a broken home is a tragic.

There’s always a cost to growth. My growth as definitely costly, but worth it.

Maybe, someday, my kids will understand.

Seize the day. Nothing is promised.

“Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.”
― Rumi

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Control

Realizing how much is actually in my control can be both difficult and relieving. One of the hardest things about my divorce has been discipling my children while the place they live for the other 50% of the time has a very different outlook on raising children. My ex and I tried to get on the same page for years. We’re just two very different people. That was once not the case. Sobriety and life changes everyone. It can be hard.

My middle child has historically been a very good student. His grades started to dip last year (his first year in middle school) and they have been getting worse. At 13, he’s one of the last in his class to have a phone. I told him that if he received straight A’s for two quarters, I’d get him a phone. He’s been struggling a bit since that time and I just learned that his mom bought him a phone this week. Sigh.

I have come to believe that everyone is doing the best they can with the tools they have at the time.

I can’t control my son getting straight A’s. I cannot control what happens under my ex’s roof.

I can however, create an environment at my house that encourages learning and rewards progress. I can control my actions and attitude.

I can control if I pick up a drink or not. There was a time I didn’t have that choice. I was a slave to my addictions. Work the 12 steps deconstructed an unhealthy ego and rebuilt a healthy one. For that, I am grateful.

My kids have turned out to be wonderful human beings, despite what I thought the divorce might do to them. For that, I am grateful.

I’ll keep trudging the road of happy destiny, controlling what I know I can control.

“Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.”
― Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man

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Gone Too Soon

One of my friends I grew up with was reported missing a few days ago. They found his body on the side of a street Christmas Eve. He was 40 years old. Gone too soon.

My friend was a good poet. We first met at a treatment center when we were teenagers. He was smart and creative, but also a troubled soul.

I received this message from him in April of last year:

“Hey just wanted to say thank you for never giving up on me brother. I truly appreciate it.  Been sober since Dec and doing really good.  Working, have an amazing woman, life is good. Thank you for seeing in me what I couldn’t. Love you for everything.”

His death is only the most recent of many people I’ve lost in my life. Just about all of my friends and family members that passed before me struggled with alcohol and drug addiction. My mother, my best childhood friend, the first woman I loved and many other close friends passed from this life way too early. All of them were gifted in one way or another.

It’s terribly unfortunate. I sometimes can’t make much sense of it. I experience survivor’s guilt. Waves of grief and sadness flow through me.

But there’s also gratitude and hope. Yes, it’s true drug and alcohol addiction affects countless other people than just the person addicted. The alcoholic or addict creates a space of selfishness, drama, trauma and ugly situations in his wake.

Luckily, I also get to witness the ripple effects of a person in recovery. An alcoholic or addict’s life can change. Once they change, it creates positive effects on her family, friends, loved ones and community. Kid’s lives are forever transformed for the better. Love is communicated. Hope is given. Forgiveness granted.

For any of those struggling, there’s always hope. A better way to live exists.

“When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.”

– Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
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The Awakening, Part 2

The Wheel of Awakening

You can find The Awakening, Part 1 here.

Drinking while trying to save a marriage is not a good idea. Especially when the marriage is in trouble directly because of alcohol. Yet, that’s where I found myself during the month of April 2016.

I entered therapy because I knew something was wrong with me. I didn’t believe it was my drinking though. Maybe it had to do with processing my Mother’s unexpected death. She took her own life almost a decade prior, after battling decades of mental illness.

I also knew I couldn’t stop drinking. My therapist had suggested I begin improving my life by quitting drinking. I was stubborn and thought there had to be another way.

I continued to drink heavily a few times per week. It was during one of these hardcore drinking sessions that I received a phone call informing me that Neely had overdosed on heroin.

Neely was my first serious girlfriend and the first girl I loved. My best childhood friend had died a few years prior by overdose too. I was shocked. What the hell was happening in my life. If I continued down this road of drinking my problems away, would I end up dead soon, too?

I woke up the next morning feeling like death. I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. A voice, or rather, a strong thought entered my mind. “You really screwed things up this time. You should commit suicide just like your mother.”

I knew then, that if I continued drinking my pain away and suppressing long pent up feelings, I would end up dead. I was ready to find a new way of life.

Out of options, I took my therapist’s advice and entered a recovery program. It was there that I began to heal. In fact, I’m still healing, almost 4 years later.

In my program, I met people who believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. Others entered my life and loved me when I didn’t love myself. This type of community is powerful. They showed me how to live life sober. Showed me how to be happy and love others. Maybe most important, they showed me how to live a life of service.

One of my favorite quotes is from Joseph Campbell, “The cave that we fear to enter, contains the treasure that we seek.” The obstacle is indeed the path. There’s just no way around our pain. We must process our pain in order to grow. And once we grow, we’re able to help others do the same.

It has turned out to be such a beautiful life. One that was very close to never happening.

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Drinking Vicariously Through Others

Drinking Vicariously Through Others In Sobriety

We had an absolutely EPIC company Christmas Party last night. Many clients and friends were able to stop by. Amazing food. Great live Jazz. And alcohol. Plenty of alcohol. At 3.5 years sober, I had no problem with it all. If anything, I had a blast watching others have a good time and vicariously drinking through them.

I don’t think this perspective is a bad thing at all. There was a time I thought I’d never have a good time at an alcohol centered function again. On the contrary, I’m having such a better time at company dinners and friend’s parties than I ever thought imaginable – drunk or sober.

There are a few reasons for this. Most importantly, I’ve never felt more like me in my entire life. I’m more confident, funny, smart and witty (not too humble apparently) than ever. Sobriety and the solitude that came after my divorce allowed me to look deeply inward to find myself.

Secondly, since I’m not drinking, I’m not focused on the maintenance of my buzz. I’m much more present and engaged in conversation with others. I’m not concerned with what my next drink will be, how many more I can consume, how I’m getting home, etc. etc.

Sobriety has allowed me to attract people, places, and things into my life that I never thought possible. I’m forever grateful.

I can’t wait to see what’s next. I know this though, it won’t be a hangover.

Alcohol is good at disinfecting things

It can clean a surface or erase memories

– Richard L. Ratliff
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Creativity and Finding Your Passion

Creativity

I just returned from my kid’s Christmas Program, produced by their performing arts charter school.

It was unbelievably inspiring. I was full of emotion during most of the show. It was apparent that at least 20% of the kids performing had already found their passion and creative outlet. I couldn’t have been happier for them.

For years I didn’t believe I was creative. Part of my problem was drinking and using drugs as my primary hobby for over two decades.

A couple of years into my sobriety I was inspired by Rich Roll’s story. He had been inspired by Julia Cameron’s book, The Artist’s Way. As have many writers and creatives.

I became curious to see if I could unlock any creative potential that might have been suppressed during my drinking and using days. I’ve always loved to read and my technical writing had always been sound. So, I picked up the book and began writing the Morning Pages.

Not only has my life improved, but my writing has too. It has sparked the creation of this blog. Well, that and giving up social media.

It took many, many decades for me to discover a passion for life and a creative outlet. Watching the 12-year-olds tonight bursting with passion and creativity made me happy. Oddly, I was not the least bit envious of the headstart they have, compared to where I was at their age.

I believe we are all born with talents and gifts. Our primary purpose in life is to discover those gifts and share them with the world. This will inspire future generations to discover and share their own gifts with humanity. That’s what this life is all about. Leaving the world a little better than when we entered it.

I tried to throw away this precious life for many years. Now that I’ve been given another chance, my life is full of much deeper meaning. Every day I wish to be inspired and aim to inspire others.

I encourage everyone who has not found their passion to continue their search. It’s there. Don’t give up. Be patient with yourself. It took me 38 years to believe I had creativity that could be cultivated intrinsically.

And that passion I witnessed tonight bursting out from that group of young kids? That same passion is within us all. It’s up to us to find and cultivate that passion.

Peace and Love.

My fault, my failure, is not in the passions I have, but in my lack of control of them

– Jack Kerouac
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The Awakening, Part 1

The Wheel of Awakening

So, how exactly did I get here?  By an Awakening.  I suppose you could call it a spiritual one.  One that is guaranteed to occur if you follow certain steps.

It’s been over three years since my wife of 13 years – we were together a total of 17 – demanded a divorce. Looking back, I cannot blame her. I was deeply unhappy with myself. I was in a downward spiral. Something was wrong with me. I just didn’t know what exactly that “something” was.

Turns out my turbulent, erratic and traumatic childhood affected me more than I wished to admit. At the age of 37 I was forced to deal with my childhood trauma that I tried to suppress for decades. Alcohol no longer helped. Trust me, I tried.

I was so full of self-hatred because of the way I was trying to process
these feelings. Unfortunately, my feelings of self-hatred were transferred
onto my wife. She did nothing but love me with all she had.

So, the divorce that was thrust upon me and slowly began to wake me up. I say slowly because I still tried to drink for another month or so while trying to save my marriage.  Which, it turns out, was not exactly the most thought out plan.

Part 2 forthcoming

“While the Dark Night of the Soul is a process of death, the Spiritual Awakening Process is the rebirth.”

Mateo Sol
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Allow Me to Introduce Myself

Rae Lakes
Rae Lakes

In some ways, this blog has been a long time coming, I have been inspired by so many others, maybe this little blog can help inspire others as well.

My intention with this blog is to tell my story. I hope it will help others implement a more productive lifestyle for themselves and for the greater good of the world. Along with sharing my story, I’ll share my journey and thoughts as they pertain to the spiritual, intellectual and emotional areas of life.

This includes thoughts on my passions:

  • fitness (I’m a runner)
  • food (I’m mostly a vegetarian)
  • music (I’m a former DJ)
  • spirituality (still finding my path)
  • fatherhood (two amazing boys)
  • coaching (youth sports)
  • books (I love them).

Many people say that they want to change, but few are willing to do what it takes to actually enact that change in their lives. Although I have experienced an awakening, I could not have done it alone. The universe brought many people into my life that loved and believed in me when I did not love or believe in myself. This was crucial to changing everything about my life. Bad habits were replaced with positive ones. My negative thoughts were replaced by constructive ones. Not-so-good actions were replaced by better ones. More will be revealed.

Peace and Love.

Love life.

Allow me to reintroduce myself, my name is Hov!

Jay-z