High Times On Bailey Drive

My Dirty Sobriety

Category: Addiction and Alcoholism

I write about my own addiction and alcoholism, what drinking cost me and what it took to stop. No sugarcoating, just what was true for me.

  • Drinking Vicariously Through Others

    Drinking Vicariously Through Others

    We had an absolutely EPIC company Christmas Party last night. Many clients and friends were able to stop by. Amazing food. Great live Jazz. And alcohol. Plenty of alcohol. At 3.5 years sober, I had no problem with it all. If anything, I had a blast watching others have a good time and vicariously drinking through them.

    I don’t think this perspective is a bad thing at all. There was a time I thought I’d never have a good time at an alcohol centered function again. On the contrary, I’m having such a better time at company dinners and friend’s parties than I ever thought imaginable – drunk or sober.

    There are a few reasons for this. Most importantly, I’ve never felt more like me in my entire life. I’m more confident, funny, smart and witty (not too humble apparently) than ever. Sobriety and the solitude that came after my divorce allowed me to look deeply inward to find myself.

    Secondly, since I’m not drinking, I’m not focused on the maintenance of my buzz. I’m much more present and engaged in conversation with others. I’m not concerned with what my next drink will be, how many more I can consume, how I’m getting home, etc. etc.

    Sobriety has allowed me to attract people, places, and things into my life that I never thought possible. I’m forever grateful.

    I can’t wait to see what’s next. I know this though, it won’t be a hangover.

    Alcohol is good at disinfecting things

    It can clean a surface or erase memories

    – Richard L. Ratliff
  • Why I’m Taking A Break From Social Media

    Why I’m Taking A Break From Social Media

    To be different, of course.  Not really.  Well, maybe a little.  Ego can be a tricky thing. 

    As an individual prone to addictive behavior, it was too easy for me to succumb to mindlessly scrolling after receiving hits of dopamine, aka notifications.  The minimalists call the urge to pick up your phone a “twitching”.

    I also found myself harshly judging others for their behavior, appearance, actions, beliefs, and thoughts.  I finally became aware of these negative thought patterns and wasn’t happy with them. 

    Between the timesink that social media had become – a few minutes scrolling between tasks, while watching television and at multiple other random points of the day, I decided to take a break.

    For now, I’m taking a break throughout the end of the year.  I still want to be inspired and have a chance of inspiring others.  Often, Social Media can be a great platform for this. 

    So, if I return, I promise to be more intentional.  Maybe I will keep my thoughts and life updates confined to this blog and share links on my social media.  I’m not sure.

    I do know that after two weeks without it, I feel much freer.  My creativity and productivity are up.  And somehow, I feel a greater love for everyone.

    Distracted from distraction by distraction

    – T.S. Eliot
  • The Awakening, Part 1

    The Awakening, Part 1

    So, how exactly did I get here?  By an Awakening.  I suppose you could call it a spiritual one.  One that is guaranteed to occur if you follow certain steps.

    It’s been over three years since my wife of 13 years – we were together a total of 17 – demanded a divorce. Looking back, I cannot blame her. I was deeply unhappy with myself. I was in a downward spiral. Something was wrong with me. I just didn’t know what exactly that “something” was.

    Turns out my turbulent, erratic and traumatic childhood affected me more than I wished to admit. At the age of 37 I was forced to deal with my childhood trauma that I tried to suppress for decades. Alcohol no longer helped. Trust me, I tried.

    I was so full of self-hatred because of the way I was trying to process
    these feelings. Unfortunately, my feelings of self-hatred were transferred
    onto my wife. She did nothing but love me with all she had.

    So, the divorce that was thrust upon me and slowly began to wake me up. I say slowly because I still tried to drink for another month or so while trying to save my marriage.  Which, it turns out, was not exactly the most thought out plan.

    Part 2 forthcoming

    “While the Dark Night of the Soul is a process of death, the Spiritual Awakening Process is the rebirth.”

    Mateo Sol